PND

PND is an abbreviation for Post-Natal depression, not sure why it's needs an abbreviation but it does. I had PND, (that's why there's an abbreviation, it takes ages to type!) for about 15 months I think.

Anyway it wasn't a pleasant experience and I should have sorted it out earlier but to be honest I didn't really know enough about it to diagnose myself and also I didn't get much help from health care professionals. A highlight was when I  waited for a doctors appointment for an hour and was crying hysterically when I saw the doctor, still he didn't think I might have overreacted to the situation.

But I think it went on for so long because I didn't know what it looked like. I thought that depression was lying in bed all day crying and towards the end it got so bad that I had a few days where I couldn't leave the bed, but mostly I wasn't myself at all. I was stressed about the littlest thing, generally quite mean to Jamie and so anxiuos. I thought this was just me adjusting to motherhood and some of it was, but a large part of this was the depression and it changed every part of my life. I just couldn't see the joy in anything. Every nice thing in my life was shaded by stress and anxiety.

And also did you know that baby blues last for about a week and then you should be feeling more normal? Well if someone had told me that fact I would have saved myself a whole lot of trouble.

I was hesitant to take medication because I felt like it would show weakness, and how i wasn't coping with motherhood or life in general.  And to be honest this feeling is still hard for me to shake. All i can say is that the medication solved my problem, I know that for everyone it doesn't work but for me it gave me a positivity and clarity to be myself again.

I started on a very light anti-drepressant when Mackay was 15 months and it was like someone had flicked a switch in my brain, I was on them for about 3 months and I think my brain just needed a little bit of a kickstart in the right direction. My life coach helped too and now when i get a negative feeling instead of pushing it out of my mind I participate it and feel it, even if it makes me uncomfortable. For me the suppression of a lot of feelings makes my mood really low. Although i hope i'll never go on medication again I wouldn't hesitate to go on it again if I ever found myself back in that place. And I definitely wouldn't wait until I was incapable of getting out of bed to pop a few pills to make myself feel better.

There seems to be a lot of shame in admitting you have suffered from PND, not for me I will tell anyone who will listen, it was something I went through that was hard and I survived it, I'm proud of myself and I'm really proud of Jaime who showed amazing patience and how much he loves me.

And this is a little quote I have beside my bed to remind me of what I have come through and where I am now and to have a little faith in myself.

You're braver than you believe,

stronger than you seem and

smarter than you think

xxx