Trauma revisited

Argh so I am very jetlagged and very tired so not sure if this entry will make sense. Here it goes. Have I ever mentioned my relationship with Carob? It’s a hate/hate relationship. In so far as I hate it and it hates me.

When my parents first divorced my mother decided she was going to introduce health eating into our life (mostly due to a few intermittent trips to weight watchers) As if the trauma of a divorce wasn’t bad enough she tried to make me eat culinary delights such as whole-wheat pasta and brown bread (actually now I love brown carbs but then I was a white bread and butter girl all the way) Anyway by far the most offensive of these foods was carob. Has anyone ever smelt carob? Or seen carob let alone tasted it, it is foul. Foul doesn’t even describe it, it tastes like mouldy sock chocolate. The best way I can describe it is as if someone has farted in your mouth.

one trip to the hell hole that is Glenfield mall and Mum refused to buy me a crunchie bar and instead went to a health food store and bought me a carob and peppermint flavoured chocolate bar. What? What? I hear you ask, you can’t replace chocolate and honeycomb with fart tasting carob. The irony of this is that my mum has always been very budget conscious (i.e. tight) and the carob bar was three times the price of a crunchie and was a gigantic waste of money because about 10 minutes after eating two squares I vomited it back up.

And I have never gotten over it. I have only just began to eat after dinner mints for god’s sake. And did I say that the carob and then peppermint filling was grainy? It tasted off and stale and like carob, which was of course the root of the problem. And that is why I vomited because my stomach was expecting chocolate and what did I get? carob. I have strong stomach as well, so obviously the carob was an assault my stomach could not handle. If you haven’t ever had carob do me a favour go out and buy yourself a bar it will be an experience you will never forget.

So I hate carob and that’s why.

Anyway we were on the h-moon in Hawaii we went to a vegan restaurant. I know warning bells are already ringing. But in fairness to the hippies my meal was delicious and we had nice hummus. Vegan’s always do a nice hummus, it’s all they’ve got really. And then I ordered dessert and this is where it all went wrong. I order chocolate and raspberry fudge. Guess what arrived? chocolate looking fudge. But you guessed it, it was carob. Two things offend me about this one they called it chocolate on the menu which is false advertising and because I am practically allergic to carob I could have sued for a million dollars. (like the lady who burnt herself on a McDonalds coffee because it was not labelled hot and got $30 million dollars) and secondly it looked like chocolate and the rancid carob smell was disguised by the raspberries and I ate a piece of carob fudge and then vomited into my mouth because the trick with carob is that it starts out sweet tasting so you think that it’s just a funny recipe but then the after taste, oh dear god, the after taste is like a rat has died in your mouth.

So there I was with a plate full of carob fudge and worse I had eaten some. My face screwed up like I had been punched in the gut. Jamie wet himself with laughter I was too caught up in trying to wash my mouth out with wine to yell at him for making fun of my allergies.

And to add insult to injury I had the carob aftertaste for three days, that’s the thing about carob it’s like curry you burp if up for a week and you sweat it out your pores the next day.

And don’t give me any comments about how carob can be yummy if you jazz it up with the right recipes, there is no way in the universe to make carob taste good, not even Jesus could do it. In fact if forced between eating a piece of carob every day or starving I would starve, gladly.

So there are a few lessons that can be learned from this
1) parents if you are going through a divorce don’t start introducing new foods into a child’s diet we need comfort food.
2) never, ever trust a vegan anyone that can’t eat cheese is missing an essential human chromosome.
3) If I ever come to your house and even smell carob I will have to leave please don’t take offense, carob is my kryptonite.

xxx