dinner disaster

just made meatloaf for dinner and it was rank. We had to slather it in bbq sauce to eat it and mackay wasn't too keen on it either. Jamie said  he wasn't surprised it was the worst thing I have cooked in ages. Ever since i gave him the plate of orange (fish fingers and sweet potatao chips)

i am trying to get mackay to feed himself now, mostly because i am bored of shovelling food into his mouth. It's going well we have had sausages, fish cakes and disgusting meatloaf and he has eaten it all. he loves peas, carrots and corn. not to keen on broccoli and potato but i might try to make a cheesy sauce to disguise the taste a bit.

And today as we were sitting in the garden having some lunch the neighbours upstairs were having really, really loud sex. And she had a very interesting vocal range. And they are Japanese, and i thought they were a conservative people. Anyway we had to move indoors because we didn't want Mackay exposed to porno noises while he was eating his hommous and cheese sandwich.

Running in the sun

the most important thing

I am now into my pre-pregnancy jeans! Suck it baby weight.

I'm fine ... maybe

I was reading another blog yesterday and i saw a post which got me thinking about motherhood (i would link you to it but i can't find it now)

Anyway it talked about our standard responses and how really we are not very honest with each other. I think this is especially true of mothers.

When people say how are you finding motherhood, people say 'Oh I love it' 'He is my joy' 'I'm just so lucky to be a mother' And sure all these things are true for me and I'm sure lots for other people. But when someone asks me this is what I really want to say

'I find being a mother hard, it's like every other job some days are awesome and some days suck. I have been doing this for over a year and I still find it stressful and really, really, really hard. Did I say I find it hard? Some days I think I have it all figured out and then it changes, and I hate it when it changes.  I have so may joyous moments with Mackay but I have some pretty boring ones too. And even now I still mourn for the person I was and I miss that person. Oh and I really miss sleep.'

Now I don't mean for this to sound angry or ungrateful but guess what? some days I am angry and ungrateful, other days I feel on top of the world and like I have all the blessings one person can handle. But what gets me through those hard moments is talking to someone who understands, who I can be honest with and who is honest with me. I want more of these people!

I guess I hope that one day, as mothers, we can cut the crap a bit and when someone asks how are I am instead of saying 'Oh you know fine.' I can say 'I am shit, this motherhood thing is far harder than I ever imagined.'


xxxx

shopping post baby

I had a free afternoon last Tuesday so I took myself off to the shops to see if I could find anything to splash my cash on. And this is what I have realised. All the shops I used to shop are now far too young for me and by young I mean the clothes are too short, far too short.

I never had a problem with short in the past (pre-mackay) I used to trot around london in all manner of mini's. But now I find it rather unseemly and desperate. (But I am still okay at showing a bit of cleavage you will be relieved to know)

Also mini's are very impractical, you can't pick up a child with a short skirt on. It's just not possible, and believe me when mackay was first born, I tried, not very successfully.

When my sister was over cleaning out my wardrobe she picked up one of my favourite dresses and said, 'this is a nice top' I said 'that's one of my favourote dresses.' That's how short my skirts were, they were tops.

Anyway so when i was looking round in the shops I realise that I am a 31 year old woman who mentally still thinks she is 25 and perphaps I should change the shops I frequent. So it was good bye topshop and hello Monsoon, which is a store full of sensible dresses that are middle of the road, middle aged and overpriced, because they know that old woman are desperate to buy a dress that doesn't make them look like mutton dressed as lamb. Anyway now I am middle of the road, middle aged and willingly to pay exorbitant prices not to look slutty because I bought two dresses from there and worse when I wore them everyone told me how good i looked. In middle aged women's clothing. Dire.

lazy, lazy me

I'm too lazy to write a blog update so i am taking the easy way out and posting a picture of Mac. People keep on stopping me in the street to say how beautiful and incredibly, incredibly good looking he is. Jamie gets all overwhelmed and flustered, i'm used to it so I just stroll on.

Anyway here is a picture of him i actually took this because he was having an allergic reaction to something he ate and i wanted the doctor to see it. So it's not zits on his cheek, just a rash.

Also I have no idea what colour his eyes are, I thought they were blue but now I don't know sometimes i think green or hazel. Anyway it says blue on his passport so officially they are blue, in reality though who knows.

That reminds me of a story about my austrian passport, i got it when i was 17 and when they said fill out your height, I kind of lied a little. Because i read somewhere that you need to be 172 centimetres to be a catwalk model and I am 169 and i thought I might grow a bit, soI  lied and officially I am 172 centimetres and now i can't change it because it' too embarrassing to admit that i lied about something as superficial as my height and that i thought i had the remotest chance of becoming a catwalk model. Also i don't speak any german so there is no way i could explain any kind of reason why I need to change the height on my passport. So I am a big fat passport liar and this skill i have passed on to my son. Excellent.