Merry Christmas

Well Christmas has passed but it is still the season of Christmas well at lest the Christmas period.
And i am writing this from my brand new laptop which Jamie bought for me because he is a kind husband but mostly because he is sick of sharing his laptop and thinks that by buying me one I can't make his sticky anymore.
So now I have my very own computer. I have never had that before. And i thought right I'll install everything and do everything by myself on it. You can see where this is going I tried and after about 3 minutes I got frustrated and made Jamie do it for me.
But i did install iTunes by myself. Okay no i didn't Jamie did that too.

We went out shopping for the laptop yesterday and Oxford street was so busy you couldn't walk let alone shop. There was so many people if you don't live in London you might not get it. It was like trying to get on the last helicopter out of a war zone. It was brutal and Jamie said to me 'You Are quiet' because usually I huff and puff and swear at people and push and shove my way through the crowd and I said 'yeah I am trying to be zen about the whole thing and zone out' Actually I was imaging what it would like to be Daniel Crag's girlfriend and where we would live. I am currently favouring a country house, not too big with about 8-10 bedrooms. Anyway I didn't tell jamie this because he hadn't bought me the laptop yet.

And also for Christmas I got an Ipod dock which you put your ipod into and it plays music. So i got electronics for Christmas. I had the Christmas of a 15 year old boy.

I also got a measuring jug and some rubber spatulas but before all the feminists out there raise up there arms in protest I asked for these things because I need to increase my baking equipment.

Hope you all had a lovely Christmas and have a lovely new year. Now I have my own laptop I think I will update the blog more. Yes I will it is my new year resolution. I have just decided. just like that.


Picture of laptop above, just for kicks really laptops look all the same but I thoguht the blog needed some visual interest.

xxxxx

Sleep here -wake up there

This is the thing with being on the other side of the world from your family. The time difference.
I just can’t work it out, like ever, even after 5 years. But I am celver girl and usually google it, or ask Amy at work who works it out for me in her head like the genius that she is.
But it is a problem for my mother who in the five years I have lived in London has called me at a respectable hour about twice. Not twice a year but twice. Apparently you don't have google in new zealand.
So this is what happens the phone rings at 6:30 on a Tuesday morning. Here two things immediately run through my head One someone I love has been killed/injured or maimed and it is a New Zealand related emergency. Two Mum has got the time difference wrong again.
But I pick it up because could you imagine if I slept through it and then something has happened to my lovely family. I couldn’t live with myself.

So in stumble out of bed literally and turn on the bedroom light, so I can see the way to the lounge but mostly because I am angry if Jamie gets to sleep and I don’t.
And I answer the phone and when I say answer I mean groan.
And the conversation goes like this
Mum: Hi Honey
Andrea : grrrrr
Mum: Oh did I wake you?
Andrea: grrrrr
Mum: What’s the time there?
Andrea: 6:14
Mum: What in the morning?
Andrea: YES
Mum: That’s early
Andrea: I know
Mum: Oh I thought you would be up by now? What time do you go to work? I thought you would be up for work. You start work very late in London Does Jamie start work late? Oh I guess I got the time difference wrong again. I never seem to get it right. Is Jamie up? What time does he go to work? Are you still sleepy? It’s nice to hear your voice. How have you been? It’s nice weather here, rained a bit yesterday. What about London? Are you still sleepy? Should I call you back?
Andrea: Yes.
And then I hang up.

Because although I love my mum to death I don’t make any sense that early in the morning and she is paying to call me do she is basically flushing money down the toilet. And I just can’t do it.

And I emailed my sister and said let’s skype on Christmas eve and Christmas day. And she said that’s a good idea. I’ll be at Dads from 3:30 to 6:30. Which means I will have to talk to them at 5:30 in the morning (Amy worked this out for me) 5:30 in the morning at the latest. AT THE LATEST. Is she crazy! This is no way near a respectable time and then she said Mum coming over at 1:00 so we can talk then as well. 1:00 at lunchtime means 12:00 at night my time. Oh okay I’ll just wait up until 12:00 and then call you! I will have to be very drunk to do this which means it be an interesting Christmas phone call. It seems that time difference diffculties run deep in our family.

Anyway because it is Christmas and I have a generous soul I am setting my alarm and getting up and out of bed ridicously early to talk to my family. That’s how much I love them.

xxxxxx

below freezing

Ohh-wee it’s cold in London. About -2 at the moment but don’t worry it feels like 3 degrees. So cold. And the footpath has completely iced over which means you are taking your life in your hands when you walk. I almost slipped over 100 times on the way to work today. But I used my thighs to stop myself sliding around. So toning up the bum muscles. I think I need some type of ice shoe.

Also I have out on all pre-wedding weight and so are now trying to loose a bit, not all just a bit. Have stepped up the exercise again, which I quite enjoy in a sick type of way and am watching what I eat and Jamie does not help. I have trained him too well and now he always brings home chocolate for me that I feel obliged to eat out of politeness. I told him not to bring home chocolate anymore so he bought me home cheesecake instead, and I ate that as well once again out of politeness it gave me no pleasure.

Oh lordy

Last Friday night Emily, Jaime, Georgia, rachel and I went out for a girls night. Below are some photos and just to let you know I do not have an eye infection. My eyes are just red. Possibly because I decide that drinking vodka straight over ice is my new thing and also apparently being an idiot is my new thing.
I mean really who drinks vodka straight?. Me for one night andnever again. I had the mother of a hangover the next day, it was so bad that I drunk mouthwash instead of gargling it. And it was only marginally worse than drinking vodka straight.

Below are a highlight of the pictures, you know when you look a picture of yourself drunk and you start to feel quesy all over again? This is how I feel when I look at these pictures. Also a warning in some if not all of these pictures I look very unattractive, you may think less of me after scrolling down. And also I have no recollection of what the bar looked like. I now realise it was quite a nice place with a black and white theme. Who would have thought? I won’t caption the photos because I think you get the picture. We started off sober and ended up very drunk and hula hooping.

New blog post for Julia xxxx

Hands up who is part of the social networking phenomenon that is known as Face book? Argh we all are. And it’s a useful tool for bragging, sharing photos, keeping in touch with people and most importantly stalking.

And I have one guy on face book that I went to school with ages ago and have never spoken to at school let alone after I left and I am his friend. And for you non-face bookers out there, e.g. my mum and dad. This means you can see thier photos and what they have been doing and who their girlfriend is and where they live now etc etc. All sorts of information that you can use to judge them.
This is a funny story about my judgmental tendenices, which I am trying to control by the way before you get all judgemental on me. Once I was really stressed I think we were moving to the UK and all this stuff had to be done and I was getting all edgy. So Jamie said to me ‘Lets go out and sit somewhere so you can judge people, that will calm you down.’
And it did, after half an hour or so watching people I was as calm as the Dalai Lama. I like to judge people, it’s mean and cruel I know but you can always tell a lot about people by their shoes. That’s my motto.

Anyway so on face book there is this guy, let’s call him Harold (not his real name, I purposely choose this because they only person I know called Harold is on Neighbours) Anyway Harold I have not spoken to or seen in about 15-17 years. Anyway he is now my friend on facebook and I am obsessed with him and his life and his girlfriend (lets call her Madge for continuity) Harold and Madge do get up to some adventures let me tell you. They go to the rugby sevens in Wellington, they take funny pictures of themselves pulling faces, they party with their workmates like it’s 1999. There lives are non-stop rollercoaster and I am along for the ride. And I can’t stop myself, I am obsessed with Harold and the craziest thing is I have no idea why. Anyway I am stuck with this obsessions, I have been sucked into harold’s life and don’t see a way out. What if I ever run into him face to face what will I do? Will I talk to him? Will he recognise me? Will I want him too?
Ah lets be honest I will just pretend I didn’t see him and walk away.

In other news my less than a year old Ugg boots are kaput. The stitching has come undone and now they are unwearable. I took them to the shoemaker who couldn’t fix them and the Chinese tailor up the road and they said ‘shoe no fit under sewing machine.’ To which I replied. ‘make it fit.’ They said ‘no, shoe no fit.’ Then I said ‘Hand sew it!’ And they looked at me like I was on crack. So I stormed out.
Anyway now I have to buy a new pair because I CAN NOT LIVE without my ugg boots. (The capitalization is no mistake I really mean it.) They are my life blood and I am so poor buying a new pair is not an option, okay that’s a lie I could buy a new pair but then the mortgage wouldn’t get paid. And I asked Jamie last night if this was an acceptable solution and he didn’t answer, so I took this as a no. But then again silence is open to interpretation isn’t it?

Anyway I am off to colder climates this weekend and it’s going to be freezing, it’s going to snow and I hate snow and my winter jacket is so old it is threadbare and only has 4 of it’s 6 buttons. And yes I could get them re-sewed on but I have had this done so many times I am bored of it. And anyway I am boycotting the Chinese tailor after he refused to perform life saving surgery on my uggs.

I just also wanted it noted that I blame Jamie entirely for my living on the bread line circumstances. I’m not sure why but give me time and I’ll come up with a reason.

Xxxxx

report from the frontline

So it’s been a week and I feel sufficiently recovered to write about the mission that was the half-marathon.

Man it was hard work, for a start it was really hot, like about 40 degrees actually it was about 22 but it felt 40.

And I’ve done big runs before but this one was the worst by far, it took the longest and it was the hardest and I counted every kilometer and there were 22 and a half of them. And I had big hopes for doing a marathon after the successful completion of the half marathon but I think we can safely say those plans are shelved.

So the first problem was the heat the second problem was the carbo-loading. An interesting side note the night before I ate so much pasta I had stomach cramps and couldn’t stand up straight and said to Jamie ‘You have to take me to the hospital, I can't walk.' and he said ‘It’s just gas’ and I said ‘not it’s not, I have a serious stomach problem. And the he said ‘not it’s just gas’ And I then said ‘no it’s not, oh hang on, yes it is.’
My stomach was so heavy it felt like a rock chained to my foot that I was dragging around and then because I didn’t want to add to my load I felt I couldn’t have water and I got dehydrated which lead to a frightening experience at about the 12th mile that I was going to faint, my head was spinning and I heard buzzing in one ear. In retrospect this could have been a fly.

Anyway I ran all the way because even though it wasn’t comfortable, my armpits were bleeding because of chaffing for god’s sake, at the end of the day you have to do 13 and a half miles and whether you run or walk them you still have to finish and at this stage I was running because walking would have only extended the pain.

And after all this I still beat my goal which was 2 hours thirty I did it in 2:24 and more importantly finished. There was a time when I could see the finish line and was running towards it and it didn’t seem to be getting any closer and my heart broke and then I ran past a man and he said ‘keep going Darling’ and then I cried. I don’t know why, I was very hot.

A special mention must go out to Emily who ran with me every step and stopped an waited for me and then ran beside me and encouraged me every step of the way without her I would have truly been doomed and definitely not made it round. She was my hero.

Also thanks to all those who turned out to support me and cheer me on.

Below are some pictures I don’t think they really capture how hard it was and how close to death I felt. But I did it and even writing about it has made me tired so I am off for another rest.


In other news, I bought some new track pants which I haven’t taken off for three straight days I even went out to brunch with friends in them yesterday. Jamie is horrifed I am happy.

Also it almost my birthday soon. I will be 29, I can’t believe it, can you?





Amy, emily and I with our medals that were made out of wood! cheapos. but we got free Mars bars.


Me from the side can you see my carb tummy?


Emily and I running and me smiling, this was not characteristic of the run as a whole.


xxx

What happened?

I started, a did the bit in the middle and I finished. Now I am home for a long rest.
xxxx

What time is it? Half-marathon time. Check it.

I am sitting freshly showered and carbed up ready for the race tomorrow. Let me start at the beginning. In April I thought for a laugh, that I would do a half-marathon because I am turning 30 soon and apart from a brief but glittering career in hockey which was cut short by a devastating injury I hadn’t really achieved anything physical. And I was bored and let’s be honest I needed a hobby after the wedding planning had finished. Should I also mention here that I could not run for 1 km. Yes 1 k and somehow I thought I was capable of running 22. And I am not a runner, never have been.

And it was hard. I started to run and after 3 minutes I could not breathe, at all. My face was red and I wheezed like an old man who smokes 50 a day. Emily was my self-appointed trainer and she had the patience of a saint. We walked than ran then walked and then one day I was running all the way.

The next big step was the first of our Saturday runs and I made the fatal error of eating before the run. By the time I got to 6 k’s I thought I was going to vomit and I was crying. Actually crying. And I am as tough as old boots, my shoulder pops out of it’s joint all the time and I just pop it back in. The man sweeping the streets was walking faster than me and he was pulling a trolley filled with leaves.

But I kept on trying mostly because Emily would have hounded me to my grave if I quitted. Once she pushed me so far I almost hit her. And I would of if she wasn’t faster than me and therefore out of reach. And the best bit of advice she ever gave me. It’s never going to get any easier you just have to do it. And that’s the truth you body will never liked by slammed against concrete for a long period of time you just have to do it.

And then all the clichés happened, I ran no matter what, through the rain , holidays and nightmare DIY, I had a bad day at work and then went for a run and felt better, I ran through muscle strains and blisters, I got up at 7:00 on Saturday morning to run 18 k’s, . And most worryingly of all when I didn’t run I missed it. And once I saw my reflection in the shop window and realise that when I run I am tipped forward by my boobs and my bum sticks out. I look like I am about to topple at any minute. Still I kept on running even my vanity couldn’t stop me.

So in six months I went from running 2 k;’s to 22. And you know what it’s not even a big deal I just do it. My body had amazed me and beside there gets a point where you are so tired there’s nothing else left to do apart from run, stopping doesn’t make it any better. In fact it makes it worse because your body remembers was resting feels like and tries to make you stop but letting all the blood flow to your feet.

And the reward for all that hard work came on Monday when I began carbo-loading. Which I re-interpreted to junk food loading and I ate a couple of chocolate éclairs and then felt sick so I ate healthy carbs but just a lot of them and now I have a swollen belly like an Ethiopian and I can’t really bend over or move. I have eaten pasta for every meal since Thursday and it’s not a good feeling. I hate pasta and bread actually and every type of wheat based product. Except cake of course. I will never hate cake. It goes against my religion

I am excited about tomorrow, hopefully the training and the carbs carry me through. Also hope that it doesn’t rain, blisters don’t re-appear and my knee strain behaves itself.

Wish me luck.
xxx

Urgent update!

Just had an email from my sister. She said Dad had read by blog and was still going on about the pole! How it was good quality and that I should not have thrown it out. Seriously if these are the genes I have inherited I really have no hope.

In an interesting twist in the pole story it has not been thrown away Jamie has it. He has put it in a place where I can’t find it. (I have tried to hunt it out but I can’t find it) I feel deceived.

And you know what they say about marrying a man who is like your father.



Above is a picture of a pole similar to the one currently illegally squatting in my house. Apart from this pole is darker and has broken end.
If you see it let me know!

xxxx

Johann and the pole

Johann has been visiting.
And the other day he tried to give me a pole. Let me explain. My dads house is full or crap. He has two spare bedrooms and a downstairs lounge and it is full of stuff. Some he sells on e-bay, some he has got from somewhere and doesn’t know where to put it and some I think he is saving for his retirement so he has something to look at it when he is no longer working. Anyway you can’t leave my Dads house with something in your hand. He is generous fellow and also has something which he thinks you will need. Once he gave us meat, that was past it’s expiry date. We did not eat it.

So before dad left to go home to NZ he had a flag and a flag pole but couldn’t take the pole into NZ because it was wood. And you can’t bring wood into NZ or they throw you into Jail and throw away the key.
And he said to Jamie ‘Look you can keep this pole and use it.’ (You will notice he targeted Jamie because he is the weak link and has not had the years of practice that I have had of fending off bits of crap thrown from Johann)
I quickly took over the negotiations.
And I said ‘What for?’ (side note my sister has a good tacit at dealing with this she says. Umm I don’ think I will use that old pot/broken glass/dead plant but thanks anyway Dad. I however try to re-educate him by challenging his perceptions of what is and is not useful in my life. I am fighting a never ending battle)
And he said ‘For things around the house.’
And I said ‘What things?’ Because I knew there was no use for the pole and there would never be a use for the pole.
And he said, Wait for it, ‘Poking the corner of your ceiling.’ When and why would I need to poke the corner of my ceiling?
Madman.
He also left a strange Austrian gnome thing in the bedroom which freaks Jamie out but I kind of like it.
Actually I have just thought of a purpose of the pole. I could use it to stir paint pots. Bugger, I made Dad throw it out to teach him a lesson.

Why I married him

So since Jamie is in New York with his laptop and he keeps on harping on about how I need my own laptop and I really do because I can’t use his all the time and more importantly I am not allowed to eat or drink anywhere near his laptop and I have to wash and thoroughly dry my hands before use.

So I thought I would go into PC World and buy myself a cheap laptop and I thought I could do it by myself because I am an intelligent woman and I do know a bit about computers and I am not easily intimidated by geeky IT people.
Turns out I was wrong I know nothing about computers and in fact I am rather stupid.
So I left PC World with no laptop and having to admit that I do need my husband for some things.
Other things I need Jamie for:
To open corkscrew on wine bottles, I bought a very fancy wine bottle opener because I can’t use a traditional one and I still have to ring him to get him to explain it to me.
Can’t work any type of plug/internet/modem combo at all.
To remind me to feed Ginger, who is still alive and thriving fyi.
To help me make the bed, he has very nifty hands for tucking the fitted sheet in
To moderate my extremely bad taste in music, if he wasn’t around I would be listening to 80’s power ballads non-stop
And most importantly
To do the dishes and make dinner. I can’t carry the weight of this domestic burden alone.

Peace xxxx

Farout

Forgot the best news ever due to my wonderful parents generosity I am coming home to New Zealand in two weeks in February. Yipee get to see my nephew who i had a dream about last night and we were the best of friends.
xxxx

Where have I been?

So I haven’t blogged in so long because Jamie has been in Tokyo with work so I have been by myself with no computer. I love having the house to myself, I can drink wine, eat the food I want and watch bad TV. I love it. But eventually I miss Jamie and want home to come home and I miss him, I mean he is my husband.

But my all time favourite thing to do is to have a glass or two or half a bottle (whatever whose going to judge me?) and watch the wedding DVD. I fast forward all the boring bits and just watch the ceremony and the speeches.

Also I have forgotten Jamie’s vows so I like to re-cap them so I can throw them back in his face if needs be.

Also have not written because we have been in the middle of a hellish DIY. Take a moment close your eyes and imagine ….
A textured plaster ceiling, imagine wetting this ceiling with a product and scraping off the texture than imagine re-plastering the ceiling then imagine sanding the ceiling and then re-painting the ceiling. Nightmare doesn’t even describe it. I estimate it took us about 10 full days and a whole lot of heartache. The highlights in no particular order were:
Running out of every product we needed twice, this include paint and plaster

Being covered in dust, I mean covered having to rake it out of my eyes because the protective goggles we were using were also covered in dust.

Having to eat our food on the stairs for three weeks.

Also we had a quote to do it and it was £550 pounds we spent £450 and 10 days doing it ourselves. WASTE OF TIME. Even my tight arsed husband agreed that we should have got someone to do it for us.

On the upside I talked to Jamie more than I have ever talked to him before in my life. On the first day of DIY I said to him you don’t chat much when you work and he said ‘no, I like to keep my mind on the job.’ I said ‘Whoa dude just to let you know all I do when I work is talk.’ Actually once I had my wisdom teeth out and the dentist said you can go back to work just don’t talk too much and you should be fine. I lasted an hour and a half before I had to go home.

Which brings us neatly to a game of would you rather.
So I asked Jamie would you rather lose your hearing or sight? Jamie said my hearing (which isn’t much of a stretch because he is already quite deaf due to his mis-spent youth in clubs listening tot eh drum and bass)
So I asked him would you rather loose an arm or a leg? And he said 'arm' and I was like wrong answer. Dude think about it you can’t use your hand and prosthetic arms are crap compared to prosthetic legs. Look at Heather Mills she married a bealte without a leg. And he said ‘you gave me the choice’ and i said ‘yeah but you made the wrong choice, think about it for a second before you answer.’ And then we decided that perhaps we shouldn’t talk for a while.
xxxx

No idea

Also watched the DIY painting DVD last night, what a rip off, it lasted about 3 minutes and was made in 1989, the guy was wearing a calculator watch for god’s sake and it told us nothing useful.

So we are back to square one. Are off to the DIY shop to wander around like lost lambs buying the wrong type of tools and equipment.

I wish my Mum was here she is the DIY guru. She even has a bench tool sharpener for making tools sharp. I don’t even know why tools have to be sharp.

xxx

The little differences

TV programmes that I like and Jamie HATES
Gladiators
World’s strongest man
Fear Factor
World championship darts (both amateur and professional)

Programmes that Jamie likes and I hate
None, Jamie doesn’t really watch TV, he once watched a documentary about car bombing that I thought was boring but I watched it anyway because I had nothing else to do.

I'm back and I'm bad

No blog update in so long I am sorry. I am lazy and now have a journal that I empty my head into rather than online, but will try to be better from now on. Do I always promise this? I feel like I am caught in a cycle.

Brief update below of what I have been up to.

Am wearing these ugly fit flops to try and tone my legs and because the dreaded tendonitis is back and they are comfortable. Jamie refuses to go out with me if I wear them. So I smuggle them into my bag and swap shoes when he is not looking. Emily also refuses to be seen with me if I am wearing them. They are not a popular shoe. And I am not popular when I wear. Picture below.



We are doing DIY to the house, we have turned our cupboard into a study and got new light fittingings. We are now trying to remove the dodgy 80’s artex from the ceilings and paint the walls. We are so bad at DIY we have had to buy a “How to paint and decorate’ DVD from the DIY shop. It was beyond embarrassing.

I still miss Murray and I am angry at ginger that she survived and I always forget to feed her and can’t be bothered to change her tank water. I can’t help it of I loved Murray more than ginger, ginger is boring. I think I am trying to kill her. The thing stopping me from ending her life is that the tank cost me £36 and I don’t want to waste money. Jamie keeps on asking me if I have feed her because he knows that I am still not over Murray’s death and am taking it out on Ginger. I had a dream last night that she grew to the size of a carp and I had to get a new tank, but I just decided to flush her down the toilet instead. Not hard to guess the sub text there. I am a mean person and am going to hell. I wonder if I will like one of my children more than the others. It looks likely.

Sorry was distracted by the TV am watching Send in the dogs which is about police dogs in the UK. And they have dogs that are part of the Armed forces squad that can absail. They attach the dog to harness and lower it into places. Dangerous places where the dog could get shot, but it doesn’t seem to mind, ignorance is bliss I guess.

Have I ever told you about my local post office? Every single time I go there it is like walking into a social security office. There is always one person who is drunk, mentally ill and high on heroin and one person is a dangerous combination of all three. And I go there at 9:00 on a Monday morning. And one person is always cleaning out their post office bank account to buy drugs, I am not assuming this I once saw a women get out £157 and then give it her dealer who gave her a package. And the drunk guy is always standing behind me, too close. And breathing on me. I really have to fortify myself to venture into the post office, usually with a glass of wine, at 9:00 in the morning so now I have become one of them. I have been in London too long.

Love drea xxx

Have you ever?

Seen a cuter baby. I don't think you have. Here is Louis.

another friday, just like the other one

Another Friday another night sitting at home. We are so broke it’s not funny we have just increased our mortgage payments in an attempt to deal with the credit crunch, though looking at our financial situation it seems a bit of a lost cause but I do it to keep the husband happy. Also we are in the process if converting the cupboard into a study for Jamie to play and for me to dump all his shit into to.
So we are at home on a Friday lucky the football is on otherwise I would have slit my wrists.

Also since the wedding I have been keeping up my fitness regime and going on the gym every day and running and spinning and stuff in an attempt to keep the bulge at bay. Anyway my tendonitis has flared up again and I could feel it coming on so Jamie told me to rest, I said ‘rest! bah humbug, I’ll just rub some deep heat on it’ and apart from stinking out Jamie now no one wants to sit next to me on the bus in the mornings.
And on Wednesday my body gave up and wanted a rest so badly my lower leg stopped moving. So I am resting for the weekend.

Speaking of buses, do you know what makes me feel physically sick when I am on the bus? People with odd shaped heads. Usually I am tolerant of people with disabilities but this one makes my stomach turn. I saw a man with no hair and a rugby ball shaped head, it made me want to vomit. I felt sorry for him but for god’s sake grow some hair so I can get through my bus ride without vomiting.
And then yesterday then was a man with totally flat back of head, it was disgusting and he was bald so he couldn’t grow his hair and in situation and only in this situation I would recommend that he gets a toupee or if he can’t afford it spray paint some hair on his head ala John Travolta (see picture below)
So maybe it’s a good thing I stink of deep heat at least it will keep the weird headed people far away from me.

xxx



John Travolta with the world's worst spray painted hair, for god's sake man have some dignity and shave it off.

I am the champion

Aha! I have joined the local library and got out five books that I have wanted to read for ages. All for free. Up yours recession I am fighting back.

And to think that I was going to go to the book shop and spend money.

I am clever. Well Emily is clever because she suggested it but I did the follow through.

xxxx

Run drea run

See I did it, my five kilometre run, my next goal is the half-marathon watch out here I come.
Thanks to those that sponsored me we raised £250 for the cancer.
Also my fellow runners Georgia and Mel.
Jamie took a picture of my arse, in those running pants, can you believe it? I almost divorced him on the spot. I will not post it to save you the horror.




ps three blog posts in one day, can you tell I am home sober on a Friday night and Jamie is watching the football and I am bored, sober, tired and about to go to bed.

xxxx

the joy and the pain

Can’t believe I forget to tell you about the best bit of Vegas. The Wynn buffet, it was 2 hours of hard core eating madness the food was great and we ate and ate and ate until I could not walk I could only shuffle. They had a food section from around the world and a separate bakery and ice cream parlour and more. It was like eating a buffet in heaven.

And afterwards as I was shuffling hunched over around he shops people were looking at me and I just held my stomach and said meekly ‘I just had a buffet.’ They seemed to understand, they were Americans after all, the innovators of the buffet.
And then we went into the Chanel shop and they had stools to sit on but I could not bend let alone sit so I lowered myself onto the stool and sat there while Emily did her shopping and I occasionally groaned. Anyway here are some pictures of us post-buffet with unhappy stomachs and unhappy faces but happy food memories.

Photos documenting our stomachs of pain below.

Viva!

So this is the thing about Vegas, it smells. You know that smell when you come home from work and you have left your stinky sneakers in your bedroom and the sun has heated up the house and then you open the door and get assaulted by a smell. It smells exactly like that, just add in some old whiskey, stale popcorn and some vomit and you can smell Vegas anytime you like.

And the city has no idea of time, that’s the freakiest part everywhere is so fricken dark and seedy and then is always a drunk man starring at your boobs or trying to stare but unable to focus.

Only in Vegas can a man wear this hat, you guessed it he was drunk.

So we arrived after a plane trip from hell and then we showered and went and got a drink and I was id’ed. I wasn’t even flattered I was just pissed off so I sulked back the room ordered room service and slept while jamie went out and got drunk cheeky bugger.

And then we did other things liked hired a poolside cabana, did some serious work on our tans and powered walked down the strip at 8:00 in the morning, where there were more drunk men this time starring at our arses as well.

The birthday boy




The vegas gang by the pool.


Some classy ladies by the pool

And another thing with Vegas they have created a city in the desert and you don’t really get this until you arrive and you are like holy shit there is nothing here apart from bad taste architecture. They have tried to class it up with a fake Eiffel tower but really? A fake Eiffel tower? There is also a fake arc de triumph but you know it’s not the real thing, a) it’s tiny and b) it’s in the middle of a car park.

It Jamie in Paris or Vegas? Paris obviously as there are no rude Frenchies lurking about trying to ruin the picture.

And then there is the Venetian where they have bought Venice to las Vegas and if you have ever been to Venice you will walk in and think’ THIS IS NOTHING LIKE VENICE AT ALL!’ because primarily it’s not in Italy so everything is just weird and inside it’s daytime all the time which is just plain freaky, especially when you rock in at 11:00 at night and you are jetlagged and your husband just wants to sleep.

Me at night but in broad daylight, jamie could not get the camera to work in the strange light conditions hence why I am blurry and grumpy because he had tried to take this picture about 8 times. Also look how good my hair is!

So we went on a Gondola ride because when I went to the real Venice dad said it was too expensive but in Las Vegas it’s only $15 per person, that’s £7.50 of your English pounds, cheap as chips. We could have paid for a private gondola but Jamie was in a shitty mood so I would have preferred not to be alone with him truth be told.
So we hopped in with these other people from New York and had a romantic ride down the canals of las Vegas, which were about 30 centimetres deep. When he asked if anyone had been to Venice and I said yes the Americans loved it, they thought I was very well travelled and the gondola man panicked because he knew I could rumble him for authenticness, he looked relieved when I said my tight dad couldn’t afford to take us on a gondola ride.

That's Amore or not.

And just when you thought being pushed down a shallow body of water couldn’t get any better, he started to sing That’s Amore and he looked straight at me when he did it. I got embarrassed and looked away in shame, mine and his. And then he sung another song at this stage I was so embarrassed I was seriously considering throwing myself into the shallow water and swimming for my life. But I clung on there and looked up at the fake blue sky and tried to make myself have an out of body experience. And thank god it was over in about 10 minutes and I went and did some retail therapy to calm myself down.

The next day the other dudes went on a helicopter ride but we couldn’t afford it so we walked down the strip instead and just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder you find yourself in front of the world’s biggest (and I’m going to guess tackiest) tequila bar. And everyone was drunk, I mean there were seven year olds into here who were so boozed they couldn’t walk, hell knows how they got served alcohol.
And then we walked some more until we ended up in a mall which was shit but air conditioned so we stayed for a while.

Then we went out for dinner for Jonathan’s birthday (which was the reason for the visit, did I mention that?) and tried to get into a club but couldn’t so I got pissed off and left looking for anther club to get into which I masterly got us straight to the front of the queue and into the door using my patterned attitude combo of ‘flirty but I am very important and don’t even think about messing with me’. Seriously I can pull a certain face and pretty much get into anywhere, probably even the white house on the right day. And then we danced and watched about 800 hen parties dance and then watched one girl get thrown out for dancing too dirty. It was great.

Next day got up and went for a walk again and then did a bit of shopping, then watched the fountains at the Bellagio’s at night which was great but couldn’t stop thinking about the effects of excessive water use on the environment. Then we went to the best bar ever. It was called caramel in The Bellagio and me, Jamie, Aaron and em got really really drunk off delicious cocktails, I think the boys had beer but I can’t remember and the high light of the night was a drunk bride coming in with her groom and bumping and grinding on the floor. It was funny. See pictorial evidence below. And the Dj played wicked music not that I can remember what it was and I tried to request a song using my ‘flirty but I am very important and don’t even think about messing with me’ attitude but it didn’t work, but in my defence she was a woman and not a lesbian and that is the Achilles heel in my attitude, it does not work on straight women. But later that night I used the exact same attitude to completely jump a massive queue and walk straight into another nightclub, which shows it wasn’t the attitude that was failing, the alcohol had impeded my ability to select the right target.

In the club with Aaron and Em after too many cocktails.



Andrea and the bride, Jesus she is young, the bridesmaid told us the wedding was crap.


Jamie and the bride getting down.
And then we woke up the next day feeling seedy and went home. And then got sick.

Can I just say this is a old school type pictorial blog post with pictures and everything, also it is massively long, what a treat! My RSI fingers are playing up though.

Luxor las vegas

My favourite picture ever! Look at me in my Kaftan, look at Emily sad because she has no Kaftan, look at the pyramid. It works on many levels.

xxxx

what's been happening dudes?

Ah no blog update in so long because I have been very busy with work. I know shocking but true I have been working my little bum off and have developed a touch or rsi in my right hand for studiously clicking on my mouse. But I have ordered a special mouse that looks like a spaceship but will not give my pre-mature arthritis which is good news in case I ever wanted to take up knitting.

In other news my sister sent my some pictures of my new nephew who is officially the world’s cutest baby. he looks a lot like me actually but obviously when I was a baby not now. My favourite pictures are where he looks a little bit pissed off I like a bit of attitude in a baby. I wish I was there to cuddle him, it makes me a bit sad so I have made him my screen saver which makes me miss him more, so not sure why I have done it. Might change it back to my wedding photo, it does my ego good to see me looking pretty.

We had Jamie’s birthday weekender last weekend where we went to a house in Suffolk with 12 of our mates and drank and ate ourselves into oblivion and I had two late nights in a row and now I am wasted and it’s Thursday. Really I am getting old and apparently quite cranky. I was so tired this week I have started drinking tea again and almost broke the habit of a lifetime and started drinking coffee and this morning on the phone I misspelt my name, twice.

The Apprentice is now over, Sir Alan sugar has made his choice and my Wednesday nights have been changed forever. There is nothing good on TV at the moment I am so angry about it I am considering cancelling cable, but that may be the anger talking so I’ll sleep on it. I’ll let you know what I’ll decide.

Right I am off out so am going to liberally apply some bronzer to my face to trick the general public into thinking I have just come home from a Mediterranean getaway.

xxxxxx

I know no vegas update yet but I will give you one nugget of info, in vegas my hair was just stepped out of a salon fantastic, I think it was the total lack of humidity I gave myself a quick blow dry and it was amazing for two whole days. Reason enough to move there and live there forever I think. Jamie is not convinced. Alas now it is back to it’s usual ‘been dragged through bush backwards’ style.

you poor dudes

Just realised haven't put any honeymoon pictures up. You poor dudes.

Below are a collection of my favourites. not sure if I will write captions. let's do it a different way. I will write a the captions in one long senteance and then you can match them up as you wish. Also there will be one red herring in there. A fake caption. oh the excitement.
So here we go. in no particular order. The waterfall from Fantasy Island, they really should re-make that programme it was a classic, jamie eating a burger, me eating a burger, St patricks day beer when they put green food colouring in the drink, those crazy americans, a very pissed off dog, (this is my favourite picture of the honeymoon.) Jamie on the waikiki beach looking his age, Jamie on poipu beach looking like an 80 year old american, a picture of famous Hawaiian resident Magnum PI holding a gigantic pineapple, the car from Back to the future, it's the flippen deloren! Our hire car, offically it's called a compact which in American terms means it does not take half a litre of gas when you turn the ignition on. did you match them? did you see the false caption?

what to say?

No news to report, if I could be bothered moving off the couch and getting the digital camera I could put some pictures of vegas up. But I can't be bothered. so you will have to do with words instead and i have a headache.

it's a long weekend this weekend so on Saturday we went to the southbank and strolled along the thames to the tate modern to see the gigantic street art on the side of the building which was ace and then we wandered inside and they were having a art installation and it was of a woman making the world's biggest salad. It had about 2 tonnes of lettuce, spring onions, tomatoes and litres of olive oil. And they were 8 chefs chopping stuff and when they finished they threw it over the balcony and into a gigantic taurpoline and then it was tossed and then raked and then you could eat it. We did not, jamie wasn't sure if the rake was new or previously used for raking dead leafs. And i have to say we waited about half an hour for it to start and then about 20 minutes for the salad to be made and tossed and I have to say for the world's biggest salad it wasn't all that big, in fact it was a bit of an anti-climax. And then the artist said, 'This salad is so big it could feed the whole WORLD!' in her american accent, I saw the salad and I can assure you that was a lie.

And then we watched some bmxing and then headed home for along rest, it was 7:30 and i was so tired I almost feel asleep during eurovision. but i watched it all the way through and good knows how I used to watch that drunk because it is confusing enough sober. Russia won, no surprise there. I hate to bang on about it but they really need to overhaul that voting system. My favourite entry this year was Bosina who had a crazy loon with a washing line and four brides knitting. I am not joking. Britain finished last and seriously we weren't that bad. okay we were bad but we didn't have any knitting brides.

There was a time, a long time ago when a long weekend meant coming to a club on saturday night and not coming home until 6:00 in the morning. and the spending all day sunday and monday in bed recovering. Now I can't even stay up past 9:30 on a saturday night. What is happening to me? It can't be old age. Can it? A club, I can't even remember what one smells like. Now my top priority at the weekend is painting the front door and I haven't even done that because i am too tired.


In other news i am a fire warden at work and I had training last week. I did not volunteer for his job I was appointed, rather like the pope. Anyway at training I relaised I was not the right person for this job because:
a) I look terrible in flourscent yellow
b) I am afraid of fire
c) I am afraid of smoke
d) I have to wear hat. Regular readers of the blog will know the trouble with this. My head is massive so that hat perches on my head like a beret and if there ever was an emrgency sitauiton it might fall over my eyes, thus stopping me from seeing where the fire exits are. (I have actually already forgotten where these are, I am hoping to follow the hysterical crowd in case of a fire)
f) Did i mention I am afraid of FIRE!

I'm not quite sure this fire warden thing is going to work out well for all of those involved. I might have to resign on medical grounds, due to my nervous condition.

will right more later hopefully when i am feeling less tired. Also no blog in so long because jamie took his laptop to New York. Selfish bugger.

xxxx

disturbing scenes ahead

diahoerrea is referred to as ‘the runs’ or ‘dio’ in the following entry. Also be warned graphic scenes are ahead only read it if are not planning to eat for a while and have a strong stomach.

So I went to vegas and then came back and then the trouble started. Just a bit of background, we didn’t fly directly to or from Vegas because it was too expensive instead we went via Detroit on the way there and via Minneapolis on the way back. That’s right you guessed it we took the long way round and it took us 18 hours each way when really if we weren’t so tight it would have taken us 10 hours. We are stupid.

Anyway so the last night in Vegas we went out and got boozed and the Jamie vomited. Ununasul, because he does not puke easily off booze, in fact only 2 times in the 11 years I have known him and because on both of those times he couldn’t stand but in Vegas he could stand and most entertainly for me, dance. So on the last night in Vegas he puked and then all the way home on the plane he bitched and said he had a sore stomach and had the runs. But I did not believe him because I thought he was faking.

Then we got home and slept on the Monday night and we went to work on Tuesday and all morning on Tuesday I felt funny. I thought it was because of jet lag and then the tidal wave hit.

You know when you can feel your bowls move and you go pale and realise that even if you had superman’s speed you could not make it to the toilet on time. So that hit me, twice. But still I stayed at work because I am a diligent worker and hey it’s only dio what’s the worst that can happen? A whole lot worse as I was about to find out.
So I called Jamie and he was like I am at home I couldn’t stay at work, so I thought bugger it, if he is at home then I should be too. So I went home and thank god I lasted the whole bus ride home but as soon as I was in the door my bowls sensed I was home and then opened.

And I thought I’ll just lie on the couch and then go to the toilet when I need too and watch TV in between movements. Soon the couch was to far from the toilet so I lay in the hall and looked at the TV with my head. Then the hall was too far from the toilet, that’s right the hall. And bear in mind you can walk from one end of the flat to the other in about 2.5 seconds. So I just gave up and sat on the toilet reading trashy women’s mags for about 3 hours and made Jamie tell me what was happening on the cheesy TV movie I was watching.

At first we had a competition to see who had the most bowl movements, yeah that got old real old real fast. We stopped counting after 5 in 1 hour.

And now I have great answered question in life which those of you with weak stomachs may not want to read. Where in hell does all that crap come from? Like really where does it come from? because I passed about 5 days of poo in one hour and still it kept coming.

Anyway obviously I didn’t eat anything all day because I couldn’t stomach it and it wasn’t staying in anyway so really there wasn’t any point.

And then I had no energy because I hadn’t eaten and it continues for 48 hours and then I could sleep on my side or my stomach because it hurt so much and then I went to sleep woke up and it started al over again and then I went to back to work and da dun you guessed it, I got my period.

And I rang my sister and told her my tale of diahoerrea woe and she said to me. ‘diahoerrea that’s a hard word to spell.’ And like always, she was right, it’s hard to spell and very hard to have.

That’s all vegas update to come.

xxxxx

A great loss

Murray has died. I am bereft, properly sad. We had fishcakes for dinner last night and I think he smelt them and it tipped him over the edge and I cried this morning twice when I was thinking about his cute little face. I loved him and I don’t want a replacement because I don’t think I can go through the pain of losing another fish.
Jamie said he had gone to the fish heaven in the sky, I told him to stop taking the piss.

We flushed him, Jamie did it. I was too upset and then Jamie asked if I wanted to say a few words but I couldn’t face looking at the toilet knowing Murray was in there, plus he was a big fish not sure if he would get stuck in the toilet and I thought it might get messy. But he went down in one flush.

Remember when Murray would swim on his side and then get pissed off when you didn’t feed him and sulked in the corner of the tank. I’ll always have the memories.

Murray Wohlmuther-Bennett R.I.P you will be missed

Wedding party pictures

On April 12th we got all our friends in London together and had a party to celebrate our wedding. We had a great night and felt much love in the room.
Thanks to every one from coming and for all the lovely pressies.

Many many pictures taking by our friend Mieke, look how brown I am. Before you ask wedding dress is off for another clean due to me dancing on it all night.



Packed dance floor at the end of the night, I didn't realise how many people danced until I saw this photo. Probably because i had so many wines/champagnes/beers and one shot.


Mike nad Rachel getting low, low, low.


Jamie and I fighting over the ipod, we didn't have enough songs, we underestimated how much dancing would be going on.


Emily and Rose


Jamie and I re-created our first dance. I made him do it but yet he won't go and get me chocolate now. Man he is fickle.


Mike our MC and us toasting ourselves, because that is what you do at weddings.



Poeple toasting us because we made speeches.


And more people toasting us.


The happy couple pre ipod fight.


Me and my work friends.