PND

PND is an abbreviation for Post-Natal depression, not sure why it's needs an abbreviation but it does. I had PND, (that's why there's an abbreviation, it takes ages to type!) for about 15 months I think.

Anyway it wasn't a pleasant experience and I should have sorted it out earlier but to be honest I didn't really know enough about it to diagnose myself and also I didn't get much help from health care professionals. A highlight was when I  waited for a doctors appointment for an hour and was crying hysterically when I saw the doctor, still he didn't think I might have overreacted to the situation.

But I think it went on for so long because I didn't know what it looked like. I thought that depression was lying in bed all day crying and towards the end it got so bad that I had a few days where I couldn't leave the bed, but mostly I wasn't myself at all. I was stressed about the littlest thing, generally quite mean to Jamie and so anxiuos. I thought this was just me adjusting to motherhood and some of it was, but a large part of this was the depression and it changed every part of my life. I just couldn't see the joy in anything. Every nice thing in my life was shaded by stress and anxiety.

And also did you know that baby blues last for about a week and then you should be feeling more normal? Well if someone had told me that fact I would have saved myself a whole lot of trouble.

I was hesitant to take medication because I felt like it would show weakness, and how i wasn't coping with motherhood or life in general.  And to be honest this feeling is still hard for me to shake. All i can say is that the medication solved my problem, I know that for everyone it doesn't work but for me it gave me a positivity and clarity to be myself again.

I started on a very light anti-drepressant when Mackay was 15 months and it was like someone had flicked a switch in my brain, I was on them for about 3 months and I think my brain just needed a little bit of a kickstart in the right direction. My life coach helped too and now when i get a negative feeling instead of pushing it out of my mind I participate it and feel it, even if it makes me uncomfortable. For me the suppression of a lot of feelings makes my mood really low. Although i hope i'll never go on medication again I wouldn't hesitate to go on it again if I ever found myself back in that place. And I definitely wouldn't wait until I was incapable of getting out of bed to pop a few pills to make myself feel better.

There seems to be a lot of shame in admitting you have suffered from PND, not for me I will tell anyone who will listen, it was something I went through that was hard and I survived it, I'm proud of myself and I'm really proud of Jaime who showed amazing patience and how much he loves me.

And this is a little quote I have beside my bed to remind me of what I have come through and where I am now and to have a little faith in myself.

You're braver than you believe,

stronger than you seem and

smarter than you think

xxx

Things to remember about Mackay before i forget

Kids grow and change so fast, especially toddlers. i'm sure there is some proper research on that but I can't be bothered googling it. i want to write some things down before I forget what mackay does that makes me laugh and smile.

he says 'Oh Man' when things don't go his way. The other day we were sitting on the couch at 7:00 in the morning and he wanted some sweets. When I told him the shop was closed. He said 'Oh Man, Oh Man!' 

He is such a good helper around the house, he always cleans up after himself and helps me with the dishes of=r the laundry. I hope this will continue all his life but I doubt it. He also definitely gets this form Jamie not from me.

Today we were at the park playing in the water and I said 'Mummy has got wet' so he walked all the way back to our bags and picked up the towel and bought it back to me. His kindest broke my heart.

He says hello to strangers, often old people who look a bit lonely.

He loves sweets and ice cream and most of all juice. 

He is really kind to his friends, holds their hands and shares his food. And he gets really upset if they don;twang to hold his hand, it breaks my heart.

he is a copy cat, big time. anything his friends are doing he will do. I hope this stops by the time he is a teenager.

he does have demon behaviour too, he can through a tantrum at the drop of a hat and likes to throw things at us but really his funny behaviour outweighs the negative stuff 10 to one.

xxx